What to Do If You Think Your Friend Might Be Abusive?
Prioritize Your Safety Before Intervening
Before addressing a friend who might be abusive, prioritize your own safety. If you feel comfortable intervening, start with gentle, non-confrontational questions like, "How are things going between you and [partner] lately?" The goal is to help your friend open up about feeling stressed and consider seeking help. Avoid direct confrontation about their behavior, as it’s unlikely to elicit a positive response and could escalate the situation. If you’re concerned for the victim’s safety, involve others. Talk with mutual friends about what you’ve observed, and address the issue together. Remember, this is a delicate situation that may require professional expertise.
How to Find Help for Your Friend?
If your friend acknowledges feeling "stressed," offer to accompany them to a mental health or behavioral counselor. Normalize seeking help by sharing a personal experience, such as a time when you or someone close to you benefited from mental health support.
Plan ahead by researching resources together. Options include contacting the violence prevention office or health center at their institution, calling a support hotline, or visiting Fundación Amor del Bueno. Your role as a friend is to encourage them to take the first step toward professional help.
Emphasize the importance of your friend not using violence.
Make it clear to your friend that violence is never acceptable, regardless of the circumstances. Even if their partner has cheated, insulted them, or acted unfairly, there is no excuse for hitting or hurting someone.Explain that excessive drinking or a difficult childhood does not justify violence.
Encourage them to recognize these factors as challenges they can address with professional guidance, not excuses for harmful behavior.
Many abusive people don't realize they are being abusive.
A person with abusive behaviors may believe they are being sweet, affectionate, and loving when they try to "protect" their partner, or they may think that being jealous is necessary to "prove how much someone means to you." Some abusers, even if they acknowledge their behavior is inappropriate or even criminal, justify themselves by saying they cannot control it or simply do not care about the consequences of their actions. If you suspect a friend is being abusive in their relationship, it's crucial that someone talks to them about their behavior.
While it's important to try talking to your friend about this, they may not want to listen. If they are open to it, suggest they seek professional help. If they are not receptive, it may be helpful to speak with other influential people in their life whom they respect (a coach, teacher, parent, etc.). Explain what you have observed and ask them to discuss with your friend why they need to change their behaviors and the importance of doing so. Signs of an abusive personality include: not taking responsibility for their actions, difficulty in tolerating criticism, believing it's okay to hurt others if they hurt them, and an inability to discuss their emotions.
​
Abusive tendencies often manifest in specific ways, such as:
​
-
Refusing to take responsibility for their actions.
-
Struggling to tolerate criticism.
-
Believing it’s acceptable to harm others as retaliation.
-
Avoiding or being unable to discuss their emotions constructively​.
​
​Recognizing these signs can help identify the problem and guide the conversation toward seeking help.
Abusive behavior results from various risk factors.
-
Past trauma or feelings of abandonment.
-
Codependency and difficulty managing emotions.
-
Family rejection, neglect, or lack of validation.
-
Internalized beliefs that treat others, particularly women, as objects.
​
Understanding these underlying factors can provide context and reinforce the importance of professional intervention.
Remember that pushing too hard can endanger the victim. Providing support and offering to accompany them to professional services can be more effective than directly confronting abusive behavior.
​
Emphasize that violence is never justified, regardless of the circumstances. If your friend is not receptive, seek help from other influential people in their life who may positively influence them. Understand that abusive behavior can stem from various risk factors, and professional intervention is essential for genuine change.
​
As a friend, your role is to be a bridge to professional support, always keeping the safety of everyone involved as the top priority.